This will most likely be a forever long post but I want to remember each and every bit of this heartbreaking yet oh so beautiful week of my beloved Grandmother's passing.
I can't really even describe how it changed me as a person, a mother, a daughter, a granddaughter, a friend......life can really be oh so hard but you cannot deny the lessons it teaches and as each major event of my life unfolds I feel myself becoming closer and closer to becoming the daughter of God I want to be.
I am so grateful for instagram and for the way it helped me document my feelings and the events of that week so easily. It really helped me through my grief so most of these pictures while shot with my phone I will treasure for always because each one signifies where my heart and head where at those profound moments.
I will try and feel in with extra details throughout this marathon post....
Friday morning the 25th of April we got a call from my dad saying Grandma was doing really pretty bad. She had been in the hospital for a few weeks at that point and had been transferred to a rehab center until she was able to start eating and keeping her strength up. So we were really not sure how long that would be until she would be home again with Grandpa. I am unsure of all the details exactly of her health but on the morning of the 25th it became apparent that she had just a short time left with us on this earth. Her family was told 2-10 days tops and if we wanted a chance to say goodbye we should get there and soon.
That Friday evening after a busy stressful day of running my kids here and there, Eric arrived home around 5 pm. I gathered Caroline all her belongings unsure how long I would be and since she is exclusively nursing I needed to bring her with me. Said goodbye to Eric and my other kids for the night and made my way up to Tremonton to see Grandma. Honestly at this point even though I had been told it would be soon I didn't really expect it to be so soon. It was a cold rainy dreary day and as I drove myself there that night, I had such a distinct feeling that my life was about to change in such a huge way. I arrived at the hospital at about 6:30 pm when I got to her room I had to do a major double take, that tiny little lady in the bed could surely not be my Grandma. I actually stood in the doorway for a few minutes confused and wondering if perhaps I had gotten the wrong room, the family members that were already there had all gone to the cafeteria for some dinner and so I was alone, just me and Caroline and Grandma.
Then I heard her scratchy little voice say "hello sweetheart" and at that moment my heart flooded with love for this lady. I made my way over to her bed and was so so grateful for the ten minutes alone I got to spend with her before the rest of the family made there way back to her side. Grandma and Grandpa have three sons, 15 grandchildren and more with spouses, and 17 great grandchildren. I found it pretty miraculous that I got to spend those minutes alone with her and really tell her how much I loved her. Through out that day every single person in our family made it to the hospital to spend time with her and love on her. It warms my heart knowing perhaps she was waiting for that time to say goodbye to each of her family members before she could leave this world.
Under each picture is what my instagram feed read as I posted each picture.
"Praying for our sweet Grandma......so many prayers."
Around 9:30 that night the rain just kept on pouring down, the road between Tremonton and Logan is dark, and curvy and in the rain scares me a bit I thought I better make my way home before it got too late. I kissed my Grandma one last time. she smiled and said be careful driving, I told her don't worry I had Caroline with me and she would keep me company. We both laughed knowing two seconds in the car and Caroline would be out like a light. I told her I would see her soon, possibly tomorrow and I loved her, one more kiss on the cheek and I left. My sweet brother in law went for my car so I wouldn't have to carry Caroline out in the rain and as I waited I sat talking to my uncle who had walked me to the door giving me sips of his coke so I would be wide awake while driving. I think it is one of those nights that every tiny little detail will be ingrained in my head forever.
I got home a little after ten and talked to Eric for awhile I told him how lots of times Grandma was so out of it and talking to her was really hard because sometimes her mind was not making much sense. But this night she had been clear as day and not a trace of confusion, lots of quiet moments where she just rested with a little smile on her face like you knew she was so happy to just sit and listen to her family laugh and joke and talk around her. He asked how she was and I said she really seemed fine, she had not had any episodes with her heart like she had been having and I though perhaps they were wrong and she had longer with us still. I asked him if he could handle the kids tomorrow and all their various events on Saturday's because I really wanted to go and spend more time with her again. He said of course take all the time I wanted. We went to bed around midnight.
Around 2:30 am Caroline woke up for her nightly feeding and I made my way to her room to feed her and truth be told cuddle her a minute because I was feeling pretty gloomy and sad. About 2:45 after laying her back down I was back in bed and trying to get back to sleep again. It didn't happen.... I lay awake and my mind was filled with memories of her and my life and the influence she had on me. The love she had for her family, how amazing it was that we are all so close and have such a great relationship with each other. Families like ours don't just happen, incredible families are not just coincidence, it was all because of that sweet lady and the effort and love she poured into her family. My thoughts would not settle down and I was thinking around 6 am I would just get up and get ready for the day so I could be down there bright and early with her. I lay looking at the clock as 3 am came and went and then 3:15, 3:30 and finally at 3:45 I heard vibrating I looked over at my phone a few feet away from me charging in the bathroom, lighting up in that eerie way in the middle of the night that can only mean bad things. Eric hopped from bed, hearing it too and he was closer to it, as I sat frozen in place my mind and heart knowing what that phone call would say. Teri Cano......my sister it read on the screen My desperate voice said hello and her sobs are all I heard as she said "she's gone Jen, Grandma is gone".
"The day my Grandma met my baby in a car was one of the most beautiful days of my life, I'll remember that night forever. Now my heart is burning thinking of my sweet Grandma in heaven holding another baby.....her Randy. My heart is aching at the loss of this beautiful lady in this life, how can I live in a world she is no longer a part of. But thinking of the reunion that is going on right now reminds me that families are forever and that this Grandma is mine forever. Until that day I embrace you again, I will hold you in my heart for always. I love you....."
My dad had called her,having missed her final moments himself. My sweet cousin had been spending the night with Grandma and around 2 am had called her dad my uncle saying Grandma was in lots of pain and they would be giving her morphine and perhaps they should come right now. My 2 uncles both live in Tremonton just minutes from the hospital and rushed to be with her, as soon as they arrived my cousin took off for Grandpa who had gone home for some sleep. She got him awake and rushed him to the hospital but arrived too late. It all happened so fast, he didn't make it time to be with his sweetheart as she left this life, arriving just minutes too late. My heart breaks for him for so many reasons but that one hurts quite a bit, he said with such sadness "I didn't make it in time".
I sat numb in shock for quite some time after hanging up with my sister, I immediately called my dad so he would know how sorry I was and how much I loved him. He was headed up there and talked to me as he drove living an hour away in Syracuse. I hung up with him and made my way back to bed where for the next 30 minutes or so cried in Eric's arms. He fell back asleep but I was unable to do so and called up my other sister and we talked for over an hour over the phone I think both of us just finding comfort in each other's memories and voices. Around 6 am my sister called again and said "I am going up there right now, the mortuary will wait if we hurry so we can have one final goodbye with her before they take her body". I raced to my bedroom, threw some clothes on, told Eric where I was going, grabbed a sleeping Caroline from her crib still in jammies and by 6:32 am right as the sun starting peeking up over a sleeping world I made my way down that dark rainy dreary road. The sound of my tires hitting the wet concrete, the puddles splashing as my vehicle hit them, Sia's "Breathe Me" on repeat over the radio because it adequately portrayed how I was feeling as my tears just kept falling. A quiet sleeping Caroline in the backseat, I thought how fitting that she would leave on this day as the world cried it's tears with rain.
There is a spot on that drive where you will pass directly by Grandma and Grandpa's house. It is on a busy highway but that early in the morning on a Saturday with not a car in sight but mine, my heart started pounding. The closer I got I slowed and slowed until I came upon that house.....that house that has brought me peace and comfort and stability my whole life. That lady that always stood in an apron with her quick smile and sweet voice saying "well hello sweetheart", the joy in her voice at seeing me come, the arm she always threw around my waist. As we would stand in her kitchen chatting as she would prepare our huge Sunday feast for our large family. She would cook carrots and mash potatoes and I would pretend to help but really just sneak croutons and beets off her table as we chatted about life. In that moment my heart wanted to burst and I missed her terribly. I sat in my car on that highway in prayer and reverence aching to feel her love and knowing how close yet how far away she was all at once.
I arrived at the hospital again to a beautiful sight. That tiny Tremonton hospital, otherwise deserted, was full of Williams' at 7 am, one hallway and room full of her family all coming together to be with her one last time. Too many memories, too many moments some much too sacred that I will keep only in my heart at this time. But that morning is a gift I will treasure for always. I loved her so much. I love my dad so much.. I love my family so much. So grateful to be her legacy. The sacredness of that morning struck me in awe and changed me forever as my heart realized what this world is all about and how badly I want my eternity with the ones I love the most.
"My heart just aches for this Grandpa and his sweet embrace in the early hours of this morning......"I just loved her so much", what will he do without his sweetie? However I had to smile sitting here with him at home right now, his coffee, his morning paper, surrounded by his family. He will be okay, we will be okay, we are Williams', we are strong and we have each other, what a blessing these two gave us.....so proud to be their granddaughter."
Spent the morning and afternoon at home with him, it was so sad walking into her house, seeing her things and knowing she will never touch them again. Her chair sat empty, a little bag of her things with a napkin of scrambled eggs she had hid there because Grandpa kept forcing her to eat. She showed him;) Her teacups, her pictures, Grandpa not knowing where the coffee pot was and my dad hunting the house trying to find it. It all hit home so hard....she was really gone.
I sat talking with my cousin who commented on how there was tiny things left out around the house. Grandma didn't know she would never be back, that people would be coming over. She would never have left things untidy or undone, and yet part of me wanted to keep those things undone an untidy. Undisturbed and with her trace all over them. Gosh I miss her.
"Just a picture that I love....so many moments today, so many. But one thing I keep coming back to. Each member of our family got to see Grandma one last time yesterday, we knew her days were numbered, though I didn't dream it would be that very night. Each person got to give her a kiss and tell her I love you one final time. And then the call came at 3:30 and just like that she was gone. And again we came to her bedside in tears and sorrow but with love and pride in our hearts. This is your tribute Grandma this is the family you made, we are who we are because of them, they taught us to be a family and in the end that's where we find our comfort in the arms of each other. What a lady, we all have an angel watching over us."
That night it continued to pour and I made my way back home to be with my little family, wanting to see my Little's faces and kiss and love on them to heal a piece of my heart. We watched the Lion King and ordered takeout from The Noodles Company......mac and cheese comfort food.
"I'm thinking the Lion King was an inspired choice tonight.
Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance.
You must take your place in the circle of life.
The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars.
Remember who you are.
You see he lives in you.
It is time.
Now I am taking a bubble bath and dragging my mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted self to bed. I hope I see Grandma in my dreams."
Wow I still have so much more......soon.
